If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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