I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
