You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
