I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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