He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
