the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
