Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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