I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
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