sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
