Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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