Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So much rum. So many feels.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
