you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just gargled with NyQuil
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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