One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
