Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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