did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
