I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
