My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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