I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
