May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
