you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
