Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
