i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
