Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
