As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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