You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
