i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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