captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
