Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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