he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
