Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
