it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
