I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
