I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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