Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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