So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize