I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
