You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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