I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
