I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
