At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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