Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
