apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
