Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
