I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
