if you like me you must not know who I am
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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