Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
