My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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