no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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