No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
