So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have feelings that need drinking.
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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