They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
