I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
