why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
