my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
