he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
