If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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