the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
