literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
